Note: Please don’t read this if you haven’t read Allegiant yet.
I finished reading Allegiant last October 24 and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.
I also don’t know how am I supposed to watch the Divergent movie, since every time I see Shailene as Tris, my eyes start to blur with tears.
Days before Allegiant’s release, I was talking with a friend.
Me: Someone will die in Allegiant. Veronica Roth once tweeted about that. I have a feeling that Four will die. I mean, Tris can’t die. She’s telling the story. She can’t say ‘I died’ and end the book.
My friend just looked at me, listening. After a few seconds, I realized it.
Me: Allegiant has two POVs–meaning–NO. Tris can die. But she won’t die. Veronica can’t kill Tris.
On Allegiant’s release day, October 22, I accidentally read a tweet–wait, no. A KILLER TWEET. I got spoiled, you know. And the spoiler that I read is just not any spoiler. I read that Tris dies. I COULDN’T CONTAIN MY ANGER.
I had to put Do Not Disturb signs near my bed so that no one will distract me from reading the conclusion to the trilogy that changed my life forever.
I started reading, and there were so many revelations and chapter by chapter, I brace myself for the reality of the killer tweet.
TFIOS made me cry after I finished it.
Allegiant made me cry while reading, after reading, and maybe forever.
I didn’t cry while reading the part where Tris died. Not yet. And I am somehow thankful that I got spoiled, because I was able to prepare myself for Tris’ death. I actually smiled when I read her last words.
Can I be forgiven for all I’ve done to get here?
I want to be.
I believe it.
But I wasn’t ready for Tobias’ words. This was the part where the tears started to flow non-stop.
I was really crying, and I thought of this scene…
I never expected that a book will make me cry this hard.
He is a part of me, always will be, and I am a part of him, too. I don’t belong to Abnegation, or Dauntless, or even the Divergent. I don’t belong to the Bureau or the experiment or the fringe. I belong to the people I love, and they belong to me- they, and the love and loyalty I give them, form my identity far more than any word or group ever could. I love my brother. I love him, and he is quaking with terror at the thought of death. I love him and all I can think, all I can hear in my mind, are the words I said to him a few days ago : I would never deliver you to your own execution.
‘Caleb,’ I say, ‘I love you.’
His eyes gleam with tear as he says, ‘I love you, too, Beatrice.’
Love before faction–no–love before anything.
I don’t know how long it takes for me to realize that isn’t going to happen, that she is gone. But when I do I feel all the strength go out of me, and I fall to my knees beside the table and I think I cry, then, or at least I want to, and everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more.
And the last words, from Tobias.
Since I was young, I have always known this: Life damages us, every one. We can’t escape that damage. But now, I am also learning this: We can be mended. We mend each other.
They say that the first thing that we have to learn is how to love ourselves. We can only do that once we accept who we really are. We shouldn’t think of what others will say, their opinions don’t define us. We define ourselves.
You don’t realize that you don’t love yourself right away. You will only notice it when you start seeing yourself inside the walls built by the society.
I started seeing myself in those walls, and I couldn’t escape. Until I read Divergent. Things started to be different.
The Divergent Trilogy changed my life. It will always be a part of me. Tris will always be my hero. Her life, her sacrifice, fueled my desire to be free of those walls.
I chose to save myself, and now, I am free.
Divergent. Insurgent. Allegiant. I will pass these books to my children and I will tell them to do the same. The next generations will know about the books.
The choice has been made.
I close my eyes, and think of Allegiant. I have no more words.